Planning is not my thing

I look back at my life over the past 10 years and think to myself....my life has not really gone the way I thought it would.  Many of my well-laid plans never happened and I walked through experiences I had never dreamed walk through.  I hadn't planned on losing my daughter.  I hadn't planned on losing another baby 4 months later.  I hadn't planned on getting a cervical fusion done last year.  And then...I hadn't planned on almost dying.

Let's go back 3 weeks ago today.  I was scheduled for a routine procedure, a hysterectomy, which would involve only an overnight stay.  I ended up having 4 surgeries in 24 hours, in ICU, and spending the next 8 days in the hospital.  Not quite what I had planned.

Below is my 8 days as told in quotes....from doctors, nurses, my hubby (S) and myself.

"Most women think afterwards, that's it?  After having a spinal fusion, this won't be any big deal" - pre-op nurses to me

"I don't feel well" - me to the nurses in my room, 3 hours post-op

"I'm not quite sure what's wrong.  I don't think you are bleeding internally, your heart rate is good, kidney output is good.  Perhaps you are having a reaction to the anesthesia. Should we wait to see what your hemoglobin is in an hour?"  - Dr. to me, 3.5 hrs post-op

"Colleen!! Colleen!!  Stay with me!! Code blue, code blue!!" - nurse yelling, 4 hours post-op

"We couldn't really find anything wrong in there" - Dr. to me, after the second surgery

"Is there a lot of fluid in there?" - Dr.
"Yes, there is a LOT of fluid in there" - ultrasound tech responds to dr.

"We're going to have to cut you wide open this time." - drs. to me, preparing for the third surgery

"We took 2.5 liters of blood out of your stomach cavity, but we still couldn't find the problem"

"We need to transport you downtown, to a bigger hospital, to help us find the problem"

"There's hardly any blood in here, just a trickle" - the anesthesiologist stated while trying three times to get an arterial line in my wrist

"I can't get any readings" - nurses trying to get my blood pressure multiple times while preparing for transport and during transport

"I can't breathe, it hurts so much, I feel like I'm dying" - me, the internal bleeding was crushing my organs, including my diaphragm, and I literally felt like I was suffocating.

"You're in ICU at LGH honey"

"We took another liter of blood out of your stomach cavity and recycled it into your body, you got 12 units of blood, both plasma and platelets"

"I just read your chart and HOLY CRAP!  How are you still here?"

"You must have a very strong body"

"She may have some post traumatic stress after this...it was very traumatic and life-threatening.  Keep an eye on her." - specialty surgeon to Steve

"After each surgery I could see you getting sicker and sicker, and I didn't think you were going to make it after the third surgery" - dr. to me

"It's a miracle you are still here"

What is some of the worst hours of my life?  Absolutely.

And yet, three weeks later, I ponder the miracle, and fragility, of life.

Today we begin Lent...

Has it truly been 6 weeks since I last posted?  My world has shrunk considerably these last few months...mostly due to my son's apraxia and sensory issues.  I hope to give an update this week, as well as explain my "small world" of late.

Lent was not a season that I grew up with..I don't remember hearing the word "lent" until I attended college, and it was a nebulous term.

As the years roll by, it is a word that has entered my consciousness gently, and I feel God inviting me to think seriously on this season.  For me, lent is a special season where I learn to refocus my life on Him, and purposefully incline my ear to hear His voice.  and pray that this becomes my habit year-round, not only for 40 days.

I want to share another blogger and her ideas for Lent...she has quite a list, and some of her ideas were quite unique.  You can click on the link HERE.  Enjoy!

Family pictures!

I wanted to share some family portraits we had taken right after Thanksgiving.

Such handsome men, are they not?   They are growing up so fast.

I've noticed that with each child we have added to our family, the sensation of time slipping away has deepened, and I have struggled in vain to hold the days back, to slow down time.

My baby will be 3 in a few short months (already!), thank you Lord for the gift of precious awareness, this living in the moment, the enjoyment of each breath my babies take, each discovery of new surprises.

I am truly blessed.

Am I different?

What does the church look like today?  There are endless debates on how much, and in what manner, we should look differently than the world.  Clothes, books, education, war, and hair are among the thousands of areas in which the members of the body of Christ do not agree.  

Just how different should we be?  

Last month our pastor talked of the kingdom of God, and what the early church "looked" like.  He read a letter, written not by a Christian, but by an outsider, one who observed Christians.  The letter was written to Diognites (written in Greek in the middle of the second century).  Notice his observations:

They are poor and yet they make many rich.

They are completely destitute and yet they enjoy complete abundance.

Christians cannot be distinguished from the rest of the human race by country or language or customs they do not live in cities of their own.  They do not use a peculiar form of speech they do not  follow an eccentric manner of life. Christians are residents.

And although they live in greek and barbarian cities alike as each ones lot has been cast they follow the customs of the country in clothing and food and other matters, so the eat and dress similar to other people

they live amidst other people

at the same time they give prove of the remarkable and their extraordinary commonwealth.

They live in their own countries but only as resident aliens.

They have a share in everything as citizen and yet they endure everything as foreigners.

Every foreign land is their fatherland and yet every fatherland is their foreign land.

Christians marry like everyone else and they beget children but they don’t discard their unwanted infants.

They share their food with each other but not their marriage bed.

The busy themselves on earth but their citizenship is in heaven.

They love all people but by all are persecuted.

They are unknown but still they are condemned.

They are put to death and yet they are brought to life (the were not afraid to die)

They are dishonored but in their very dishonor glorified.

They are defamed and they are vindicated.

They are reviled and yet they bless

They love their enemies.

When they are affronted they still pay due respect.

So Christians are similar to ordinary Romans and yet they are distinctive from ordinary Romans.

What the soul is in the body that Christians are in the world.

Our pastor then challenged us to contemplate:  What would an "outsider" say of us today?  

WHAT WOULD THE LETTER OF DIOGNITES SOUND LIKE IF HE WOULD WRITE IT ABOUT {insert you or your church}?

They drive cars but ....

They own houses yet....

They live in the most powerful nation of the earth but....

Some have money but...

They dress comfortably but...

They watch movies but...

They use technology....

Thoughts?