Why does it have to be SO hard?

I don’t know even know where to begin.

My head hurts, a sure sign of stress, a new symptom for me which started the day my daughter died. Several hours after her death, a severe migraine enveloped me, and I struggled with them for that entire first year. Since then, it has been my first clear sign of stress, even before I consciously realize it.

I’ve been complaining to God lately, I will admit. My life seems to be a whirlwind of chaos, difficult relationships, tension between work and family, questions about our near future and cultural misunderstandings. Lately I feel as though I keep stumbling in the darkness, and as I fall I expect hands to hold me up, but there is nobody there. This hurts the most, that the support I hope to receive, is absent, silent, or even defensive at times.

Why does it have to be so hard?

I asked God the other day, feeling full of self-pity and disappointment. And God has shown me, in various ways, his answer. Steve and I have been reading a chapter a day from the Bible; we are currently going through Acts. I am constantly amazed by the faith of the apostles and Jesus’ disciples. Although they were continually harassed, put into prison, even stoned, they remained strong in their hope and faith. Their own church leaders were part of the harassment. If anybody had reason to question God, they certainly did! And yet, they counted it all joy to suffer for Him. I’m not saying that I’m suffering for Jesus, but that their faith alone is an example to me. The Bible tells us that trials can help our faith grow, help us to mature, and refine our trust and hope, whether they're from God, or people.

That is exactly how I feel…like I am being refined. The other day, I realized one of my errors, a sin. It is idolatry. I had been putting people in the place of God. I had expected them to be like God, to act like God, to be there for me in all situations, to have limitless compassion, patience and understanding.

Impossible! Only God can do all that. And therein lies the hidden sin, my idolatry. I had put people in the place of God.

It is so easy to do. To expect people to be perfect, in any and every way. It creeps in and before you know it, the expectation is in full bloom. No wonder why we are surrounded by resentment, disappointment, envy, and bitterness. We are continually let down and we curse those around us, including God, and wonder why we aren’t more understood, given more grace. But how much grace do we extend to others? As much as we expect ourselves? Hardly. Not even close. Grace is a hard thing to wrap your hands around, difficult to accept freely, even more difficult to release to others.

Pray with me, for me, that I could learn to give as much grace as I expect, or even more, that I could give as much grace as God has given me...an eternity.