Especially lately. There has been so much going on. Thoughts swirl around my head like a Category 5 hurricane and it's been hard just sorting it all out.
But let's start with the photos; they are easy to explain.
Grandma holding my 4 month old nephew.
Some of my latest cake decorating antics. I finished the first course of the cake decorating basics, and started the second course...flowers. Below are my first ever flowers, made from a mix of gum paste and fondant. Pretty, aren't they? The pansies are cute, but a LOT of work. I definitely won't be making a lot of those anytime in the near future.
Here is my sister-in-law Laura, celebrating her 30th birthday with my cake finale. It was a strawberry cake with real strawberry icing, some of which still sits in the fridge (so if you have a craving for strawberry icing, c'mon over).
The other big news is that another sister-in-law had her baby a few weeks ago. Emmanuel Shepherd was born around 32 weeks, and is doing as well as can be expected for his age. It was a bit unexpected, and the feelings it has stirred up in both Steve and I was also unexpected.
Feelings that we thought were dealt with long ago have found their way back into our hearts and minds, making this episode a bit tiring for us, emotionally. It's hard to explain, because I hardly understand it myself. But who can understand grief? It's like a tornado that suddenly and dangerously upsets emotions and thoughts, overturning this and destroying that, before finally leaving a mass of torrential confusion and sorrow in it's wake.
As far as our future, whew! When we first came back to the US, our original return date, to Nicaragua, was mid-October. In August we spent 28 days driving over 5000 miles, and when mid-September rolled around, we started to realize how tired we were, and how quickly one more month would fly by us, leaving us little time for rest. So we picked Jan/Feb for our new "return to nicaragua" goal.
As we enter the holiday season and look back more clearly on these past 5 years, it feels as though we are seeing things with a more defined perspective and part of that is seeing how deeply exhausted we are, on every level: emotional, mental, spiritual and physical.
I attended a Lancaster Women's Conference last weekend. The topic was on having safe and healthy boundaries, in both personal and professional walks. The speaker talked about how not having healthy boundaries, especially in ministry, can often lead to burnout. When she listed several symptoms of burnout, I realized that I had them all. Ouch.
It's hard to admit our weakness. Our human nature, pride and independence, craves to stand up and shout, No! I can do this! Rest is for the weak and faint of heart! But we have felt God speaking to us, through His word, through missionary and pastor friends, and through our own spirits, in regards to our great need for rest.
A few days ago I was recounting to a new friend, a ministry leader, about the major events we have experienced these past 5 yrs.
- the loss of several children
- heart surgery
- 2 high-risk pregnancies
- sold house and moved overseas
- job change for Steve and new job for me
- started homeschooling
- returned to the States
She looked at me incredulously and asked, in all seriousness, How did your marriage ever survive all that???
Yeah. Good question. All I can say is, His grace is sufficient for thee.
It's been hard, no doubt about it. We're tired, no, exhausted, and we have experienced a number of traumatic and life-changing events in a relatively short amount of time.
It's hard to hear God when you are busy, running from this event to that, taking care of this person and that person. But this month we finally slowed down enough to hear Him. God has gently, and firmly, talked to us of our weary and battered souls. We clearly feel God telling us, this is a season of rest. There will be time to return to Nicaragua and pursue our dream, our ministry. But now is not the time. We want to be healthy, and whole, when we return. We don't want to return to Nicaragua and have to leave because we are burned out, because we didn't take the time to rest up.
So....what does all that mean? It means we don't know exactly when we will be returning to Nicaragua. It means that we will be moving out of our in-laws farmhouse and looking to lease a place for at least a year. It means that we will be very vigilant, and intentional, about our time, and our recreational activities. It means we will not be involving ourselves in a lot of busyness, and ministry activities, as much as we would like to.
We hope, and pray, that next year at this time, we will be ready to return to Nicaragua. But only God knows when the timing will be right.
I know this may be hard to understand, and it will be easy for some to judge us, especially in a culture where hard work and busyness are highly prized. But please, don't judge us. Because you haven't been where we've been. You haven't lived our life. And every family is different, with unique personalities, backgrounds, experiences. Your family may need rest, as well, or it may need other things. We hope that you can make your family's needs a priority, and do what it takes to make that happen. Right now, this is what our family needs.
Are we disappointed? Yes.
Are we sad? Yes.
But we have peace.
That peace tells us we are on the right road. This was a fellow missionary's piece of advice as we prepared to leave Nicaragua, Follow the road of peace.
And so we shall.
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