As we got back in the van and I strapped the kids into their car seats, my 4 yr old asked, Where are we going?
Home, I replied.
Which home? The one with Papa and Nana?
No, the other home. The place where we slept last night.
My poor children. "home" is a variety of places. They handle it well. When we get in the van to travel, they ask, Which house are we sleeping in tonight? And they sleep well in pretty much anyplace. On the floor, in sleeping bags, and together in various beds. They never complain. I think, to them, it is a sort of adventure.
We are moving, yet again. Putting stuff back in boxes. Trying to keep the important stuff available and not lost in the shuffle. Cleaning and keeping odd hours, with no semblance of a schedule. Living between 2 houses at the moment, various types of food in both refrigerators and pieces of clothing strewn in both basements.
This move will be our fourth move in 6 months.
Yep. We have moved 4 times in 6 months.
In the last 3 1/2 years, we have moved 8 times. Yes, you read right.
Does this seem a little crazy to you? Because it's starting to feel a bit insane to me.
Am I tired of living the faintly romantic nomadic lifestyle? I am exhausted. Tired of living out of suitcases. Tired of living with a "not settled" feeling.
I am really, really looking forward to having our own place. Our own space. Where I can lounge in my pj's all day if I so desire. Where the kids can yell as loud as they want. Where I can leave my dishes in the sink all day.
Oh yes, I am ready to settle down.
And yet....
there is a part of me that fears this putting down roots. Every time I buy something for the house, or even look at something, for instance, curtains, I feel a tension inside of me.
I wonder, If I start putting down roots, will I get too comfortable?
Will I not want to return to Nicaragua?
and so, there is a war inside of me. The part of me that wants to settle down and have my own space, and the other part of me that doesn't want roots because I am ready to return to Nicaragua.
Talk about tiring!
It was comforting to read the Bible this morning with Steve, the passage in Hebrews 11, that specifically talks of so many God-lovers that have gone before us, people who also wandered the earth, and they had no home. But they knew that their home was in heaven, not here on this earth.
It was a good reminder to me, that I will never truly feel at home here, on this earth. Because my home is not here.
small and big details of our life in the U.S. after life overseas
5 comments:
OH I so understand and empathize. Oh my.
Will these curtains look good in heaven?!? (now that's a ridiculous sounding question, I think)
If it's any consolation, at least your "promised land" has a name (Nicaragua). Abraham (and Sarai) had to follow God with instructions just "to go to the land I will show you." Imagine that! "Get in the car and go until I tell you that you've arrived where I want you." I wonder if we'd be faithful followers to a command like that?!? I don't think this is encouraging and I don't know if it is helpful, but we DO know how you feel and we can empathize. We basically lived out of suitcases for 4 years. It just about kills you. I suppose it's part of being crucified with Christ. Dying to self. So...keep dying to self! (doesn't sound like that's an encouraging thing to say, but it is what we're supposed to do, right?!)
Thanks for sharing Beth. I know you are right, and that is what I keep telling myself, but felt I had to vent a bit (that's why I love my blog!). Reading Hebrews 11 is such a good reminder and was very "right on" for how I've been feeling this past week. So your post was encouraging :) albeit tiring.
Actually, that was Alan. I didn't see your post till this morning. I always thought all the moving was normal when I was a kid. It was an exciting adventure and just part of our life. Now that I'm a Mom, I know how hard it was on my mom! It's rough and exhausting and confusing and sometimes you just want to stop the ride and get off! I'm glad you guys could be reminded of faithulness in Hebrews 11 (it's one of my favorite chapters!). May God grant you rest and quietness of soul as you live the nomad life!
Been reading your blog off and on for a year or more now. So often I want to comment, but sometimes there's just too much to think about or too much to say and it's hard to know where to start. I've really connected with a lot that you talk about and feel like I've learned so much. Thanks.
I understand that fear of roots. Intentionally distancing myself while craving connection and struggling to find the balance between the two. Fighting a war with material possessions.
Rich Mullins is a regular source of inspiration for me and one song I've come back to again and again in the past several years is "Here in America" I'm currently working with MCC in Appalachia and find the lyrics about the mountains particularly poignant, but the words I keep as a reminder to myself are "I am home anywhere if You are where I am." I kept thinking of them while I read this last post.
Blessings to you all. I'm praying for you all, that God keeps you in his will wherever you are and wherever that is.
Carrie
PS There is currently an MCC position open in Appalachia working with substandard housing and poverty if you know anyone interested...
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