Part 2: What do you say?

What do you say when somebody dies?

This is a very difficult topic. You want to say something to take away the person's pain, but you don't know what to say, so is it better to say nothing? Or is it better to bumble your way through some sort of condolence?

Rule #1: Don't stay silent.

This only invalidates the loss. Remaining silent does not give permission for the person to grieve. There is no space for comfort, no space for tears, no space to remember the person who died.

Rule #2: Don't try to explain it away, in religious terms.

For example, It was the will of God. Or, they are in a better place, or, at least they are in heaven now and not in pain.

While these statement may be true, they only invalidate the pain of the person grieving. These statements make the person feel as if they shouldn't be grieving, "because it was the will of God". The pain is only driven deeper, as the person copes with the loss AND the feeling that their own feelings of grief are somehow wrong.

Rule #3: Be mindful of the timing of sharing your own story of loss.

If you have experienced a similar type of loss, be mindful of sharing it with the person, especially soon afterwards. Dealing with a recent loss, the person can feel overwhelmed with their own feelings of loss, despair, sadness, anger, etc. and may not be able to connect with you and your own experience. But feel free to ask if you can share. Tell them you have experienced a loss and would like to share it with them, when they are ready. There will be a time when hearing about others' losses and how they dealt with them will be very supportive and helpful. Now, I'm not talking about losing your pet. Mentioning that you once had a dog that died is NOT helpful.

Rule #4: Don't say anything that will invalidate the person's grief. Since my own personal experience is with babies, I will talk specifically to statements made in that respect. As in,

You can always have another one. {Like she was just a replacement appliance that I can pick up at SEARS. I could have 10 more girls, and none of them would be her}

Be thankful for the one you have. {Yes, I am very thankful for the child I have. But that has nothing to do with the pain of losing a child.}

She was too sick anyways, you wouldn't have wanted to care for her that way. {My depth of love is not conditional on how healthy she is. All my children are different, it doesn't mean that I love them any less or more. Do people love their down syndrome children, or blind children, any less? I doubt it.}

So...what do you say?

It's really quite simple.

You say, I'm Sorry.

I'm very sorry for your pain.

It must be very difficult.

And as time goes on, talk about the person who died. If you have stories or fond memories of them, bring them up. Share any pictures you have. Don't let their memory die.

If their are people in your midst who have lost someone close to them, reach out to them this holiday season, and don't be afraid of their pain. This is what the body of Christ is about. This is partly why Christ came to earth.