and Weep with those that Weep

As I look forward to celebrating this Christmas season with family and friends, I also remember those who have recently suffered losses. There have been several instances of loss in the past few months, two of which are the loss of a young wife and mother, and a young couple who recently lost their first child (she died an hour after birth).

How can we "weep with them"? How can we show our support?

Last month I had blogged about how it felt, from my own personal experience, to walk through the loss of a child, and some of the challenges we face, both as a culture and church, to support those in our midst who are walking through a time of grief, whether it be a parent, spouse, or child.

So here is my Lesson #1 in How to Support those who are Grieving:

Help in Practical Ways

What does this look like?

First, don't say, Call me if you need anything. Because they won't. They are dealing with a terrible loss and haven't the brain function to "ask for help". But they still need your support.

1. Offer to bring a meal. Often times after losing someone close, the person will not feel like cooking. All of their energies are focused on dealing with the loss. While the person may not feel like eating, it is nice to not have to worry about meals for several weeks, or even a few months, after a loss. Tell them, "I'd like to bring a meal on such and such a day. Does that work?"

2. Offer to clean their house or do yard work. This is another mundane task that can seem fairly overwhelming, especially in those first few weeks. Ask them, When is a good time that I can come and do dishes, vaccum, mow your grass, rake the yard, etc? But be prepared if they want their privacy. They may not be ready to have somebody in their house. That's ok. But offer again. Because grief is a cycle. One day they may want to be alone, and another day they may want company.

3. Offer to watch the kids, if they have any. After my daughter died, I had no energy to take care of my 16 month old. I would have loved the chance to be alone and process my grief; it was very difficult taking care of a high-energy toddler. Babysitting would have been a huge help. Again, offer to babysit by asking, I'd like to take the kids for a few hours this day, does that work? Offer specific days. Don't say, let me know when a day might work. And if they decline, offer another time.

4. Call. Call often. And don't be discouraged if you don't hear back. While I enjoyed the many messages that were left on my machine, I didn't have the emotional energy to interact with people for many months after my daughter died. Leaving messages, especially on milestones afterwards (1 month later, 2 months later, the due date, holidays, etc), is a quick, easy way to show support.

5. Ask how they are doing. Don't be afraid to mention the person by name. You aren't going to cause more pain by mentioned the person who died, you are allowing the person to be remembered. You are validating his/her life. There may be tears when you ask how the person is doing, and that is OK. Tears help to heal.

6. Help keep their memory alive, by planting a tree, donating money to a cause in their name, or doing a run. If the person died from cancer, there are many runs to raise money in support of curing cancer. There are gardens of hope with plaques for babies that have died. Hearing that others remember your loved one helps to validate the pain felt, even years later.

I hope this has been helpful to you. And if anybody has more suggestions on practical ways to help, please feel free to leave a comment so we can all learn from each other!!

My next blog? What to say and what NOT to say.