Saturday, March 8

if I had died....

What would my funeral have looked like?

What would people have said of me?

Would anyone have come to mourn?

Would there be a hole in people's lives because of my death?

It's been almost a month since I've written, but I've written in my head almost every night.  So many questions and what if's.

One of the many questions I've asked myself is what kind of legacy would I have left behind, had I died?

Facing death, in any form, sharpens one's perspective.  The important parts of life become VERY important, and the rest, well, they aren't even in the picture.

So now I ask myself, what kind of life do I want to live, from here on out?  Is it worthwhile?  Am I storing up treasure in heaven, or caught up in too many details of life here on earth to even think about the hereafter?

How easily are we swept along with all of life's little cares and problems!  But as I lay there dying, before my 4th surgery, as I felt the blood filling up in my belly and the nurse continually telling the doctor they couldn't find a blood pressure, and there was hardly any blood in my arteries, I didn't think about how messy my house was.  or how much money we have in the bank.  or how many committees I was on, or not on.  or how my hair looked.

All I thought about were my husband and my sons.  I prayed for them, and asked God to help them with my death and bring them another woman to look after them.

That was it.  Nothing else filled my mind.

I'm not saying we shouldn't keep our houses in some sort of decent shape, or lay on the couch all day thinking about heaven. Not at all! Only that, are these the sort of things that we are completely focused on?  Do we let our minds be inundated with minor details without any thoughts about the really important things?  Like enjoying the moment.  Spending time and making memories with loved ones. Telling your loved ones how much you love them.

These......these are eternal.

When I die, I don't want to be remembered for my immaculate house or gourmet meals.

I want people to talk about my compassionate nature.  My listening ears.  Wise advice.  and how people felt truly loved by me, for who they were.

and what are those things compared to a constantly clean floor?

I feel like God has given me a second chance, and I pray every day for the right focus.  the right vision.  So I can have an eternal legacy.


Sarah Gingrich said...


KarynHof said...

Love you.

Je Sh said...

Oh Colleen, thanks for sharing these reflections from "the brink." I'll never forget an old plaster of Paris motto on my Grandmother's wall -- "only one life will soon be past; only what's done for Christ will last." May this reality shape our lives every moment!