Wednesday, April 7

For you, Alaina. April 7-9, 2005

Pregnant again!
Expectation. Pain. Fear. Uncertainty. Pain. Confusion.
Trust. Pain. Sleeplessness. Fear. Doubt.
Movement! Joy. Expectation. No movement? Fear. Doubts. Heartbeat.
29 weeks. Hope?
Something wrong. Dying. World stops. Tears. Decision? C-section. Hurry, hurry! Fear. Why God? Tears. Trust.
Scalpel. Waiting. Alive? It’s a girl!
Alaina Elizabeth.
Tears. Joy. Death. Alive! Death again. Resuscitation. Life. Tears. Confusion. Doubt.
Pain. Tears. Pain.
Come now! Dying. Tears. Decision? Let her go. Why God? Bargain. Take me! Please. Tears. Dead.
No hope.
Why God? Anger. Grief. Around I go.
2 months later,
Pregnant? No. Yes? No. Yes! God? Fear. Hope. Please God. Danger. Rare Ectopic. Decision? Yes. Drugs. Heartbeat. Hope. Joy. More drugs. Dead. Grief. Why God?
No hope.
Bleeding. Surgery. More blood. Surgery. ICU. Grief. Decision. Adoption? No more kids. Grief. Why God?
Thy will.
6 months later,
Pregnant again! Fear. Hope. Expectation. Please God.
Thy will.
Movement. Joy! Hope. Fear. Doubt. Prayer. Please God.
Thy will.
Pain. Fear. Decision? Hospital. Rupture. C-section. God?
Thy will.
Alive! Healthy!
“Nathaniel”…gift from God. I’ve come full circle.

I never saw you smile or heard you cry. I never wiped away your tears or heard you laugh. You lived only 42 hours and yet…your life changed me forever. I will never forget you. I look forward to seeing you again in heaven some day.

To see photos of Alaina, click on the album at right.

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