Slowing it Down and enjoying the Mess

I should be unpacking right now.

I am SO ready to have my house together, to be able to walk around without tripping on boxes, or wondering which box such and such is stashed.

I usually thought of myself as a fairly patient person, but not this week.

I was impatient with my husband, snapped at my kids, and cried to myself.

I was especially impatient with myself.

I complained to anybody who would listen, including God.

"I just want to be done with unpacking!" I whined.  but then it goes on..."I want to be done with...

"...diapers"
"...breaking up fights"
"...teaching manners"
"...learning how to be a good wife"
"...picking up toys and cleaning up messes"
"...cleaning up the messes in my own life"

Aha!  So there is the crux of it all.  Walking this healing journey has meant opening up places that have been dark for a very long time, letting the light in and handling some very big messes.  And although they call it "healing", it feels chaotic and stressful, and my life suddenly feels incredibly messy.  I have felt desperate for order somewhere in my life, if not within me, at least on the outside.  But it eludes me.  I hate feeling so messy, so out of order.

"and what is wrong with messy?" God asked me the other morning.  "where does this drive to be perfect, to have complete order, come from?"  Good question.

somehow, someway, messy has become synonymous with bad, or sinful, or unstable.  Or this feeling of not truly walking with God if my life seems to be out of order.  What a lie!  Brennan Manning states the truth so well in his book, Abba's Child:

"Christians who remain in hiding continue to live the lie.  We deny the reality of our sin.  In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift.  If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.  The Wounded Healer (Henri Nouwen) implies that grace and healing are communicated through the vulnerability of men and women who have been fractured and heartbroken by life.  In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve."

But HE is teaching me to relax, to slow down, to look beyond the messy.  To open my eyes and understand that the messy pile is just a part of life.

To be human is to be messy.

None of us are perfect, and so when we allow God to work in us, there will inevitably be a mess.  You cannot clean a room without making a mess.  You cannot bake a cake without making a mess.  You cannot have a baby without making a mess.

So when I go to bed tonight and still have to walk around boxes, I'll remember that it's okay.  One cannot move and be completely unpacked and moved in within a day.  Neither can I heal from a lifetime of hurt overnight.  So today I will unpack and heal and enjoy life, and that is all God asks of me.  To follow Him today wherever He may lead and let the rest go.

What to do First

Lately I've been asking myself the question, What do I do first?

It feels like there are always a million things to do, and several of them should be done right now.  Like...

the laundry

dishes

playing with my kids

paying the bills

making some phone calls

writing a few letters

unpacking

and then the myriad of other things that would be nice, but so often get swept to the side, such as

writing on my blog

taking photos

getting time away for myself

getting time away with my hubby

cleaning the house

playing the piano

finishing my cross-stitch pieces

learning how to sew

working on a garden

cutting my sons' hair

and on and on it goes....

While I was pondering over this dilemma today, I heard God say to me, Why don't you take a moment with ME?  Follow ME first, and I will give you all these things.  I will give you peace.  I will direct your paths.

No wonder it felt like too much.  I've been trying to do it all without God.  I had left Him at church...but suddenly, life didn't seem so overwhelming, I felt at peace, and I realized what needs to be done first.  So please excuse me while I go spend a few minutes on my knees.

trying to find my way

The above has been my life for the past few weeks.....hence, the silence on my blog.   We finally have the beds made up but are stepping around quite a few boxes and trying to remember where the (towels, toilet paper, bread, diapers, shoes, insert any other random but necessary items) are located.  

Thankfully, our house was basically move-in ready, no big renovations necessary.  A few small items such as repairing the washer machine line, trying to figure out how to repair the phone lines that were snipped, and trying to get our van windshield and side window repaired since somebody thought it would be funny to throw a large hunk of concrete into it has also kept us busy.  

The boys seem quite happy and adjusted in their new home.  When I asked our 7 yr old what he thought of the new house, he replied, I like it because it has a lot of hiding places.  Definitely a big selling point!  We've also enjoyed numerous walks to the nearby parks and hanging out front with our new neighbors.  Our street is quite global!  Our neighbors are Asian, Hispanic and African-American....how fun!

Hopefully I'll be back up and running full-time on my blog in a few more weeks...after I unpack my brain :)