I am SO ready to have my house together, to be able to walk around without tripping on boxes, or wondering which box such and such is stashed.
I usually thought of myself as a fairly patient person, but not this week.
I was impatient with my husband, snapped at my kids, and cried to myself.
I was especially impatient with myself.
I complained to anybody who would listen, including God.
"I just want to be done with unpacking!" I whined. but then it goes on..."I want to be done with...
"...diapers"
"...breaking up fights"
"...teaching manners"
"...learning how to be a good wife"
"...picking up toys and cleaning up messes"
"...cleaning up the messes in my own life"
Aha! So there is the crux of it all. Walking this healing journey has meant opening up places that have been dark for a very long time, letting the light in and handling some very big messes. And although they call it "healing", it feels chaotic and stressful, and my life suddenly feels incredibly messy. I have felt desperate for order somewhere in my life, if not within me, at least on the outside. But it eludes me. I hate feeling so messy, so out of order.
"and what is wrong with messy?" God asked me the other morning. "where does this drive to be perfect, to have complete order, come from?" Good question.
somehow, someway, messy has become synonymous with bad, or sinful, or unstable. Or this feeling of not truly walking with God if my life seems to be out of order. What a lie! Brennan Manning states the truth so well in his book, Abba's Child:
"Christians who remain in hiding continue to live the lie. We deny the reality of our sin. In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others. The Wounded Healer (Henri Nouwen) implies that grace and healing are communicated through the vulnerability of men and women who have been fractured and heartbroken by life. In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve."
But HE is teaching me to relax, to slow down, to look beyond the messy. To open my eyes and understand that the messy pile is just a part of life.
To be human is to be messy.
None of us are perfect, and so when we allow God to work in us, there will inevitably be a mess. You cannot clean a room without making a mess. You cannot bake a cake without making a mess. You cannot have a baby without making a mess.
So when I go to bed tonight and still have to walk around boxes, I'll remember that it's okay. One cannot move and be completely unpacked and moved in within a day. Neither can I heal from a lifetime of hurt overnight. So today I will unpack and heal and enjoy life, and that is all God asks of me. To follow Him today wherever He may lead and let the rest go.
3 comments:
Colleen - thanks for your honesty. I think your willingness to be vulnerable helps others to be open about ways they feel messy / are hurting. I know that it helps me to feel more ready to share. Blessings to you as you continue to unpack and move into something, and somewhere, new.
Blessings Ma'am, though I can't full understand the extent of all you go through. Remember: You Are More.
It's people like you that make the world a better place! Everything you write about is interesting and inspiring and I appreciate you and your family taking up the slack that lazy people like myself leave behind!
Thank you for the inspiration!
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