I just finished reading Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas, and really enjoyed his perspective on marriage. This book isn't about how to have a happier marriage, but rather, changing one's perspective on marriage, asking ourselves the question, What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?
His first chapter explores this question in more depth. On page 13, he writes,
To spiritually benefit from marriage, we have to be honest. We have to look at our disappointments, own up to our ugly attitudes, and confront our selfishness. We also have to rid ourselves of the notion that the difficulties of marriage can be overcome if we simply pray harder or learn a few simple practices. Most of us have discovered that these "simple steps" work only on a superficial level. Why is this? Because there's a deeper question that needs to be addressed beyond how we can "improve" our marriage: What if God didn't design marriage to be "easier"? what if God had an end in mind that went beyond our happiness, our comfort, and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place?
This thinking, of course, goes against everything this culture tells us about marriage, how we need to find that one person that can make us happy, fill our deepest needs and provide never-ending passion and adventure.
But he admits on page 23,
I found there was a tremendous amount of immaturity within me that my marriage directly confronted. The key was that I had to change my view of marriage. If the purpose of marriage was simply to enjoy an infatuation and make me "happy", then I'd have to get a "new" marriage every two or three years. But if I really wanted to see God transform me from the inside out, I'd need to concentrate on changing myself rather than on changing my spouse. I didn't decide to focus on changing myself so that I could have a tension-free marriage or so that I'd be happier or even more content in my marriage. Instead, I adopted the attitude that marriage is one of many life situations that help me to draw my sense of meaning, purpose, and fulfillment from God. [My wife] can't make me happy, not in an ultimate sense. But my wife can't be God, and I was created with a spirit that craves God. Anything less than God, and I'll feel an ache. This is a book that looks and points beyond marriage. Spiritual growth is the main theme; marriage is simply the context. Just as celibates use abstinence and religious hermits use isolation, so we can use marriage for the same purpose-to grow in our service, obedience, character, pursuit and love of God.
And so concludes the review of chapter 1. I will continue to post a review of each chapter and my thoughts. I didn't agree with everything he wrote, but overall, I appreciated the different perspective he shed on marriage.
2 comments:
Hey Colleen.
We recently participated in a "Love & Respect conference" of sorts with 3 other couples from SIM here in Burkina. We basically just watched the DVDs of Eggerichs (and his wife) covering in more detail the principles in his book. One thing he mentioned in the DVD that I don't remember being specifically in the book is that one of strengths of women is our relational-orientation. However, in that, it is also a weakness of sorts because we tend to be "insatiable". He says that God purposely makes us that way to drive us ultimately towards Him, but that too often we look for love (through relationship) from our spouses and no matter how much our spouse tries to give it to us, we're never satisfied. Anyway, what you were saying from the Gary Thomas book reminded me of that some - marriage was not intended to "satiate" our deepest need or longing for love and relationship.:) If we think our spouse can fulfill that in us, we're not being fair to him! Only God can fill that role! So, then if marriage is not supposed to be a source of ultimate relational fulfillment for us, what IS it designed for? (rhetorical question...).
Flo
Flo, I think marriage is for companionship and, as Gary's book talks about, to help make us more like God. That sounds like a trite answer, but I think Gary had some good points about the perspective that perhaps marriage is about making us more holy, not just about making us happy. Because, as you know, marriage itself really cannot make us happy. Only God can do that. But glad you were able to take some time for marriage!! We'd love to start something like that in Nicaragua :)
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